Thursday, September 3, 2015

“I love you deeply but I will never meet you.”

From the penAPN…..30 August 2015
When a beautiful lady informs that she stays alone for the next few days in your town, you will be unfailingly overpowered by a bright eyed and bushy tailed feeling. Suddenly, you may feel butterflies fluttering around you in variety of colors. And if you happen to be a man of normal testosterone level, you will feel activated and charged for embarking on a romantic adventure. And that happened to me when the voluptuous lady, who was once my co-trainee in a short journalism training program, accidentally met me and told that she had come to my town to attend a youth conference for 3 days. 

I was enchanted and dumbfound because she had been the lady for whom I always used to feel an irresistible love-attraction.  A few months back during an orientation programme on journalism I had first met her. And there she had caused me the deepest and fastest heart beats of my life. The programme had ended by clicking photographs and awarding certificates to the participants. In the same line, my love affair also ended that day when she had left the training programme clicking her boots and awarding a big zero to my unborn love-imaginations. She had abruptly vanished from the range of my radar and as an obvious consequence I was plunged into a gloomy sea of despair. And the most poignant thing for me was that she had not even taken note of my name correctly because whenever I had found myself in her presence, I used to become utterly speechless and dumbfound. I mean I was never noticeable to her. 

But this instance, when I saw her in my home-town, I dared collect her number. I saw her smiles and they were as magical as they had been before. Her beautiful cascading forelock and child like face made me fall in love with her again and again. For the first time, she talked to me standing on a pavement of my home-town and I talked to her using my bike as a prop. With a modest smile she gave me her number and went away to the lodge where she was staying. I wanted to stop her and say that I loved her. But neither did she turn back nor did I have the guts to express my love. She slowly thinned out in the crowd and I stood looking at her departure as it had happened earlier in the orientation programme.  Her physical form disappeared but she lingered in my mind. I never knew her particular address because I had never asked her about it. What I knew about her was that she was extremely beautiful to my eyes and her name was Jasmine.

The next two days were the days of intense pressure. I rang her phone a lot of times but she had not picked my phone. On the third day I got a message from her number that said, “It is needless to call me because I love you deeply but I will never meet you.” I got confused at her response. I was both happy and sad. I was happy because I had not expressed my love to her but she could sense it. And I was sad because she had given a premature death to my love before it could blossom.

That night I looked into the sky. The sky looked unfathomable. In the moon lit night, sitting on the terrace, I vividly remembered her smiles, her ways of glancing at me and those speaking eyes. It seemed to me that her eyes contained in them a sea of love for me. I was utterly perplexed because she had expressed her love to me but she had never wanted to go with it. And I failed to figure out the reason. The more I analyzed her ways, the less I understood her ways. At last, I was completely baffled and utterly confused like a helpless baby amidst strangers. 

And at the same time I was truly thankful to her because she had understood how I felt about her. Although I tried hard, I failed to understand her perhaps because ‘women are meant to be loved, not to be understood’. Now I clearly knew that she is never mine but in her memory on a page of my diary I wrote, “Men play the game but women know the score. And it is the women who give the final judgement”     

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