The Inner Vacuum

From the pen APN

Uncontrolled tears like summer rains

Deadliest mental and emotional pains  

A deserted heart with blood stains

All in a cauldron of hellish fire

Bubbled and bubbled with steaming ire

To cleanse the soul and deeply admire

The prevailing calmness of lonely heart

That replaces all restlessness and dirt

Making desires gradually fade away

Through suffering and dismay 

Deep and long sighs of inner vacuum

Played the music and the sonorous drum

And the essential inner vacuum haunted

Till the haunt broadened the mind

And till the feelings softened

And till the stubborn egos diluted

And mind got thoroughly cleansed

And the heart was well rinsed

Relations were reexamined

And long-gone past was buried

For a new life and a new beginning

Of hope, joy and mutual understanding

Still Grateful for that Hurtful Love (A mini story)

From the pen-APN                     

As one of the loveliest human being, you came into my life and gave me invaluable experiences to understand myself and the world around me. In your hugs I have seen the friendliness of a beautiful soul; in your intimacy, I have learned the language with which hearts speak…

Today you will go away from me and I will withhold myself from you not to disturb your life anymore. It is painful and hurts like hell but you have your life and I have mine.

You carried your bag to the bus stop on your shoulders. You signaled a bus. The bus slowly stopped and you got into it. I also turned my back and looked at the asphalt road that shone with the blazing sun. You carried your bag and I was carrying mine. My bag was like yours but I carried something more valuable in the bag and that was the sweet memories of the days we had spent together… 

Politics goes on… and people quarrel over power. Money matters and truthfulness loses its luster but life still struggles... Infidelity is there; break ups are there; misunderstandings are there. But it comes with a realization that the feelings of the heart are above everything else and the signature of love is indelible in the soul for all times to come. And it is a different thing that we may not meet again and we may not hug again and we may not cross each other’s roads.

I open a new chapter of my life this morning. I know the dark hours of the cloud will subside and the morning sun will herald a fresh beginning to me. This hope motivates me now to go forward. Life is giving tests after tests and I thank my Lord who has arranged so beautiful experiences for me and has helped me gain the most from my life.

Love you God…love you world…I am still alive and I have decided to live awesomely the rest of my life.

Because I am an Egoistic Monster

From the pen APN

She was a paragon of beauty. And I was an admirer of her sweet fragrance and unmistakable beauty. I used to watch her and admire her beauty with all my heart and soul. One day the lady also noticed my intensity of appreciation and smiled at me. Her smile ignited something so strong in my heart that my mind stopped working and my heart beats paced up. And I held her hands tightly in mine…

Then one day I discovered myself dangerously close to her. I held her in my arms and she closed her eyes…

When she opened her eyes and I released her from my arms, she told, “When a woman loves someone with her heart she can do everything for him.”

But I was a rascal lover. I demanded more and more of her time, attention and physical nearness. And any deviation from my demands was meted with harsh scolding and bitter words. However, every time she proved herself true to her words. She adjusted herself a lot to my sudden whims and outbursts. And at last one day with tearful eyes she spoke, “Dear I fail in my love and I am perhaps too weak and I can no longer bear your love.” Then she walked away from my life because I had already become an egoistic monster and I was no more a lover of beauty. Her absence was like hell to me and I knew I have to bear the hellish pain because monsters live in hell only. 

I was traumatised when the staunch lady-love left me. I searched all her reminiscences in my room and cried out my heart, clasping her each memory.

I looked at a photograph of her that I found on my table. And I remembered how on a fine morning I had compelled the modest lady to accede to my demands.

My memory reenacted the incident as if it was a matter of yesterday…..

Over the phone, in a stern voice, I had asked her, “Where are you now?” Then in a demanding tone, I had further added, “I need an instant photograph of yours right now. Whatsapp me a photo in 5 minutes. And do not send selfie because I hate selfie. Ok.”

The lady was undone because she was moving alone on a busy street and she was about to attend an interview. However, that day she had requested a passerby shamelessly to click a few photographs of her so that she could send them to me.

In numberless similar occasions, she had proved her statement, “When a woman loves someone with all her heart she can do everything for him.”

Today I hold the photo in my hand but I miss the lady in it because I am an egoistic monster and I am not worthy of her. 

While I walk…

-From the pen-APN-

Everybody listens but nobody understands. Everybody smiles but no one feels. Everybody is a companion but no one is a friend…

I think and walk. And the wind, the sky and the earth all walk with me. I listen to their songs. In the nothingness of human relation, they bring forth something subtle and something convincing of the continuum of life, something esoteric and something of the uncaged freedom.      

I stand with the meditative trees and feel some sunshine. Vision expands and the kernel of ego dies out. A silent and feeble sigh goes out and I feel light as the feather…

I walk and walk. I generate some heat and some sweat and the heart pumps more blood. The boots click. And birds fly over my head. And I woke to the world again…

The sun will set in the west and the lady in the house will light a lamp and will say her evening prayers. And I have to return again collecting my fragmented individuality…my broken pieces. 

    

Happy Marriage Anniversary

-From the pen APN-

        

“While walking on life’s journey, someone meets and coyly holds your hand and begins to walk with you. Often she longingly looks to your face and gradually finds her faith in you and then slowly lowers her glance in a blushing smile and then looks in the direction you have been looking. Your world and her world mingle and you both walk together. On your way sometimes you both realise that the journey had begun a few years ago and today it has been 8 years and 10 days to that sweet start.”