FOR A RELATIONSHIP, UTTERLY FOUL

From the pen-APN

For a relationship, utterly foul,

I staked all my soul,

And I was flung into cursed hellfire

Of betrayal and illicit desire

With eyes shut and mind puzzled,

With broken heart and spirits muddled,

I was sliced and halved,

Poisoned and almost dead,

Because you cruelly grinned,

A vampire, devilish and wretched,

Crouched on the callous desert

Of treachery and deceit

So all emotions I strangled to cessation,

All memories I buried in oblivion, 

All fond relationships I threw to Sea,

And I killed someone in me

And hoped my resilient mind will seal,

And the sunny heart will heal,

The wounds on my back

To keep me on life’s track

When I Walked out of Her Life (a one-page story series)

From the pen APN

Friends and foes are never constant in life. The stream of life proves one thing unfailingly that you cannot step the same water twice.

In this life, at a point of time, she came, shone for a while with the brightest of colours and the sweetest of smiles. Then I made her vanish from my life because I could not withhold her anymore. I could not learn my higher realities while using all my faculties and energies to hold her within the confinements of my being. Slowly I learnt she was not mine and she was a coveted prize of many seekers. She was capricious and she was mercuric and that was the beauty of her nature. That trait of her nature to become constantly inconstant added strange attractiveness to her nature and many a hearts would die for it.

One day I was also pining for her and I was fighting gallantly to claim her to be mine but the truth was that she was not meant only for me. She was just like a bubbling stream to flow into any favourable direction with instant changes and compromises but I was too hard and granitic to allow her such free course of meandering motions.

There were inevitable tussles and a dreadful destruction of the early rainbows of romance. Finally, I did something manly. All of a sudden I decided to walk out of her ways and gifted her back her lost freedom and her old life. And I walked away as a new confident man who never curbs other’s freedom and I walked away as one who can live by himself in peace, joy and balance forgetting all hurts and harboring no gumption because ‘I am what I am: a unique entity and a lone star shining with my own light.’ 

My entire world changed instantly.  

Today I do not listen to sad songs that describe the heartaches of a disappointed lover. I no more feel the pangs of a lost love. My heart is healed and I listen to the happy song ‘Bom Diggy Diggy Bom Bom’ (A latest Bollywood song with peppy music. Check it out on the web, you will love it!)

It took more than a month to digest all the pains and emerge once again as a confident man to face life with the brightest of smiles. And now I give the heartiest smiles and feel one with the limitless sky and I shine too with my own light.

An Echo from the Hearts of TSDians on the Occasion of Dr.B.P.Mahaptra’s Superannuation

From the pen-APN, 31^st March 2018

“A lovable person among us who is always seen in a white shirt and deep-coloured trousers has subtly carved the most indelible impressions on our lives in the last 1 year 9 months and 2 days at TSD College.”

Silent but dignified, simple but introspective, friendly but non-interfering, as you are, you elicit the best of emotions and regards from the very core of our hearts. To impress by not trying to impress, to speak volumes by not speaking a word, to influence magically at the subconscious level by exerting no conscious efforts are some of the wonderful aspects of your life and profession which will never cease to amaze us. And we, the staff members of TSD College, dream for that unique stoicism which is so natural a trait in you.

The fingers that touch a fragrant flower will exude the same fragrance for a while and in the same way, any person who comes in contact with Dr Bhagabati Prasad Mahapatra will exude the same joy of being humble, natural and simple. 

By observing your professionalism, we have learnt how to be a thinker and philosopher who makes self-analysis from moment to moment. We also have learnt from you how to refine our views and approaches towards life and then invent productive and exemplary modes of living that will ultimately enrich humanity at large.   

We know not when and how you affixed your signature-impressions in the core of our hearts by your abnormally normal disposition and gorgeously simple lifestyle and last but not the least by your uncommonly commonsense of life, education and literature.  

We thank you and pray for a glorious life ahead. And at the same time, we love you and feel for you with the deepest of our emotions and feelings on this last working day of your eventful professional life.

With Regards,

Yours Sincerely,

All your Colleagues

TSD COLLEGE, B.D.PUR

The ‘Arisa’ cake-maker

From the Pen-APN

A few months back when I was talking with that man, he seemed to be a dexterous entrepreneur. He used to sell ‘Arisa’ cake in a tin box laden on the carrier of a bicycle by the road-side of Bhanjanagar Market. He described me a lot about many Odia delicacies. And then he offered me a piece of his Arisha Cake (a type of Odia traditional cake made from jaggery) and at the same time, he extolled the speciality of the cake from the viewpoint of Odia culture. He had a pleasing smile and appealing communication skills. That day I was very much impressed both by the taste of his ‘Arisa’ Cake and his way of presenting the cultural value of the said dish. 

That day I had bought 6 pieces of the said cake and I went home to relish it with my family.

Today I met the same man in the same place in the same fashion but this time the genuine smile was eclipsed by some inner pain. The man seemed to be defeated by some unknown troubles.  I could not find the previous enthusiasm in his voice. He told, “Sir I struggled in this market for one year but I failed.” I was surprised because the taste of his ‘Arisa’ cake was unique and it obviously puzzled me why the classic product could not take off. Reading the expression of my concerned face he went on explaining, “Sir, people now call themselves modern and junk food with ‘China Salt’ (Monosodium Glutamate) is more appealing to their taste buds. And now in the name of culture, my business can no more stand. People have made junk food a fashion although it is unhealthy”

I realized the truth. At the same time, I could see how the youth of the town were swarming to a nearby fast food centre at the other side of the road and hanging around the heated pan on the oven that was frying earthworm-like noodles with lightning fast hand movements of a sweating cook. And I was the lone customer of that Arisa cake maker standing with him and trying to figure out the pains of a struggler, with his traditional know-how and values, who is fighting hard to overcome the blinding ads, a glamorous restaurant set up and the endemic junk food culture.      

I paid him Rs 70/- and carried my parcel of 7 pieces of cakes with no words to speak as I had no consolation to offer. And I left the cake seller alone in the busy road imagining and feeling sad about how my culture meets a dead end under the pressures of an invading culture like Chinese noodles, soup and other junk food.

Your Smile is not Fairy like Anymore….

From the Pen-APN

Your smile is not that much fairy-like anymore. I had linked my soul to your happily beaming face. But to my surprise now you go on showering your beauty and charm lavishly on any co-traveller you encounter on your way.

I get perplexed at your indiscriminate treatment of them who could never be serious lovers like me. Although you say, “All my beauty and youth is only for you,” you offer your beauty and youth to others packaged with lucrative smiles and inviting talks. You say you are all for me but when one day I found you are conspiring with a new comer to share your womanly love, I was utterly confused about my place in your life. You labelled the new guy simply as an acquaintance but you treated him more than your husband.

And I am hurt today because one day you had treated me more than your husband who is still alive and now you treat the new entrant more than me when both your husband and I are alive.

I simply say, “Oh! Shit,” because I am twice removed from you, first by your husband and then by the other guy.

Completely broken and deeply hurt I knock my house doors. And my pious wife opens the doors with oceans of true love in her eyes for me. She hugs me lovingly and does not know that she hugs a cheating heart that has been cheated recently by some other crafty woman.

DREAM BIG, FEEL THE URGE, WORK SMART AND LEAVE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE

From the pen-APN

In some moment of my life on some rough paper I had once scribbled the following lines:“To speak to the public is my passion. I instantly connect the inner flow of my life when I am to speak before an audience. A well-decorated stage in a big open field under the limitless sky and an excited audience and my heart to heart talk with them over a public address system added with digital delay technology are my unalloyed joys of life.   As a stage anchor I speak out my heart before a joyous public and these acts of public contact give me a sense of self-actualization because I am really good at this.  With each public programme, I galvanize my dynamism and self-confidence. Such public festivals or programmes fill my heart with a lot of positive and spiritual energy. But now for over a year, I do not attend any programmes. I maintain a low profile. I tell myself that I do not need such publicity. I have started neglecting a beautiful aspect of my personality. Like a flower which does not get proper nourishment my talents may die out.”This is a case which most of us suffer more or less during different stages of our lives. Most of the time, we give up or gradually we withdraw ourselves from making efforts to realize our gifted talents. As a result, we die before we realize our uniqueness and the tremendous potentialities that we are endowed with.What is the answer to such a malaise?   DREAM BIG, FEEL THE URGE, WORK SMART AND LEAVE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

The joy of walking together

From the pen-APN

When she appeared before me, adorned in a snow-white outfit, with her characteristic smiles of elegance and pristine beauty, she looked like a moving temple in human form. I looked at her without a blink of an eye. I did not know how long I stood spellbound at her amazing beauty. And I only regained my consciousness when she slowly and lovingly approached me with a smile and held one of my hands in hers and started walking with me.

That day we walked to a lovely place where God was believed to reside. That was a temple of unparalleled beauty. People believed that it was the temple of a lively deity where everyone gets whatever he/she wishes. So, with a heart full of rosy wishes, we started walking towards that sacred place of joy and serenity. From a distance, the temple looked like Lord Siva’s gigantic snow-white Kailash Mountain. And the colossal flag that fluttered gleefully on its top looked like the guardian of universe glancing benignly over a patch of surrounding verdant woods.

That day we just walked together in the same direction to a common destination. Neither I spoke any words to her nor did she spoke anything to me. But, in the life-enriching silence of the sacred place, while walking the walk hand in hand, we felt the depths of our beings mingle together in deep feelings of harmony and trust. With each step, our souls got closer and closer. I felt her fingers fill the gaps between my fingers. I clasped her palm in mine and a strong bond for all times to come was consummated. We knew we loved each other truly and by the time we climbed all the steps of the temple we were convinced of our relationship to be everlasting and unbreakable.     

I am not dead in spite of my beloved’s deadly blows

From the pen-APN

You hammered my heart with a blunt useless lie and then you laughed at me. You cruelly laughed at my excruciating pains with your enormous ego of being physically beautiful. But you failed to realize that you could bring pain to me only because my heart was made wonderfully soft for you in deep feelings of love. As a result, I did not have plan ‘B’ to safeguard myself from your venomous attacks. I remained unarmed in your love. So I was easily devastated and I was made to lose my mental balance by your cruel jokes. I soaked my cheeks in my own tears and stepped out of my closet, embracing the cold winter night with lonely footsteps. In my lonesome marching on the pavements of the city’s wide street, as a forlorn man, I realized what I am.

Yes, I am a heart-broken man but I am still alive. Although I am immersed in the saddest songs of a painfully palpitating heart, I dream of a life of Enlightenment and of Lord Buddha’s serenity. Although my heart is stabbed by my dearest person, I do not submit myself to death. The wound given by her is deep and fatal but I do not die. Just my inside gets cleansed by the flow of the spurting blood from the wound. And I find that I am not dead and I am still capable of dreaming of a new morning with grasshoppers jumping merrily in the sunshine of a golden sun in the cloudless sky. My joy knows no bound when some butterflies are hovering around me and at the same time, I am meditating on the shortness of this human life and the littleness of my passing sufferings…The movements of coloured wings of those hovering butterflies hint at something sacred and in the fluttering-music of their wings I listen to an eternal voice which speaks assuringly, “I am not dead in spite of my beloved’s deadly blows.” 

Embrace life with a sunny smile!

Tearing Apart the Blue Whale

“Tearing Apart the Blue Whale”

From the pen-APN

(Every relationship has a rise and then some period of continuity, may be short or long, and then an inevitable fall. Here, I sketch the thought of a mature man/woman who suffers the end of a lasting and deeply emotional relationship and is trapped by the BLUE WHALE GAME. And then fights back to regain his/her senses. Reader’s feedback is solicited)

Now when my relationship sinks like the setting sun of a wintry afternoon, I look at the endless sky that is splattered with crimson red and see the home-coming of a flock of birds in the fainter rays of the dying sun…

‘HOME-COMING’ is a better word to say when your life’s directions change dramatically and drastically. Putting my two hands on the waist and eyes fixed at the sinking sun, I have nothing but to draw a long breath to make the dying heart alive again. I feel myself and assure that I am still alive and I am no dead.

Yes, the blissful day merges in the darkness of night. And I feel suffocated like a suicidal maniac in the half-hanging state. My heart palpitates with heart-wrenching long and deep beats. And I deliberate if I am dead I am gone forever but if I survive then surely the moon will come with its silver beams, and the stars will sprinkle their sparkling blues. So I must survive the dark night till I see the moonlit starry night…After all, I am a hopeful heart, and I still have the light of hope in me, and my undying hopes make me a star by my own right….

THE BLUE WHALE CAN NOT DEFEAT ME.

Love your world!

A Life-long Commitment

From the pen-APN

In spite of all odds, she had loved me with all her heart. And every day, those feelings of love became stronger and deeper. 
One day, when I had drawn her close to me by her hand, she had hugged me deeply. And the fresh waters of her genuine love had cleansed all my impurities. I had never known before that someone on earth could love me so passionately. 
In her soulful embrace, that day, I had uttered in a half hypnotic voice, “Hey lady! You have become my life and my top priority. And my quest ends here for true love.”
That day on my own handwriting I had written to her, “Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget.”
She had opened the letter and had smiled like the most beautiful angel of heaven and then slowly she had leaned towards me with deep breaths and her trembling lips. And her soft and juicy lips had touched mine. She had closed her eyes and our lips had mingled deeply…And then taking a pause she had revealed from the core of her heart that she would remain faithful to me till her last breath.
This was an auspicious moment of life-long commitment which had made two warm hearts one. And which continues till date.
Later on, through her numerous sacrifices, every day she had etched on my heart her indelible impressions. And she had made herself simply unforgettable and inseparable by her true, deep and unconditionally mad love for me.
Many days have gone past meanwhile; many weeks, months and years have rolled on. And I have reached the fag end of my life. My hair has turned grey in these years. Still, I love her again and again because she has always proved herself worthy of those magic lines, 
“TRULY GREAT FRIENDS ARE HARD TO FIND, DIFFICULT TO LEAVE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO FORGET.”
Now I daily see her wrinkled face and toothless grin. But she walks with me and I walk with her clasping her shaky and parched hands. 
Where the road ends or where the road takes a steep turn I know not but I enjoy that she always stays with me like the blessings of God. And I still feel her as my most beautiful angel of heaven who unreservedly gives her nectarine smiles and enriches my soul with the highest form of human love….and thankfully I say, “TATHASTU!”

The Inner Vacuum

From the pen APN

Uncontrolled tears like summer rains

Deadliest mental and emotional pains  

A deserted heart with blood stains

All in a cauldron of hellish fire

Bubbled and bubbled with steaming ire

To cleanse the soul and deeply admire

The prevailing calmness of lonely heart

That replaces all restlessness and dirt

Making desires gradually fade away

Through suffering and dismay 

Deep and long sighs of inner vacuum

Played the music and the sonorous drum

And the essential inner vacuum haunted

Till the haunt broadened the mind

And till the feelings softened

And till the stubborn egos diluted

And mind got thoroughly cleansed

And the heart was well rinsed

Relations were reexamined

And long-gone past was buried

For a new life and a new beginning

Of hope, joy and mutual understanding

Still Grateful for that Hurtful Love (A mini story)

From the pen-APN                     

As one of the loveliest human being, you came into my life and gave me invaluable experiences to understand myself and the world around me. In your hugs I have seen the friendliness of a beautiful soul; in your intimacy, I have learned the language with which hearts speak…

Today you will go away from me and I will withhold myself from you not to disturb your life anymore. It is painful and hurts like hell but you have your life and I have mine.

You carried your bag to the bus stop on your shoulders. You signaled a bus. The bus slowly stopped and you got into it. I also turned my back and looked at the asphalt road that shone with the blazing sun. You carried your bag and I was carrying mine. My bag was like yours but I carried something more valuable in the bag and that was the sweet memories of the days we had spent together… 

Politics goes on… and people quarrel over power. Money matters and truthfulness loses its luster but life still struggles... Infidelity is there; break ups are there; misunderstandings are there. But it comes with a realization that the feelings of the heart are above everything else and the signature of love is indelible in the soul for all times to come. And it is a different thing that we may not meet again and we may not hug again and we may not cross each other’s roads.

I open a new chapter of my life this morning. I know the dark hours of the cloud will subside and the morning sun will herald a fresh beginning to me. This hope motivates me now to go forward. Life is giving tests after tests and I thank my Lord who has arranged so beautiful experiences for me and has helped me gain the most from my life.

Love you God…love you world…I am still alive and I have decided to live awesomely the rest of my life.

Because I am an Egoistic Monster

From the pen APN

She was a paragon of beauty. And I was an admirer of her sweet fragrance and unmistakable beauty. I used to watch her and admire her beauty with all my heart and soul. One day the lady also noticed my intensity of appreciation and smiled at me. Her smile ignited something so strong in my heart that my mind stopped working and my heart beats paced up. And I held her hands tightly in mine…

Then one day I discovered myself dangerously close to her. I held her in my arms and she closed her eyes…

When she opened her eyes and I released her from my arms, she told, “When a woman loves someone with her heart she can do everything for him.”

But I was a rascal lover. I demanded more and more of her time, attention and physical nearness. And any deviation from my demands was meted with harsh scolding and bitter words. However, every time she proved herself true to her words. She adjusted herself a lot to my sudden whims and outbursts. And at last one day with tearful eyes she spoke, “Dear I fail in my love and I am perhaps too weak and I can no longer bear your love.” Then she walked away from my life because I had already become an egoistic monster and I was no more a lover of beauty. Her absence was like hell to me and I knew I have to bear the hellish pain because monsters live in hell only. 

I was traumatised when the staunch lady-love left me. I searched all her reminiscences in my room and cried out my heart, clasping her each memory.

I looked at a photograph of her that I found on my table. And I remembered how on a fine morning I had compelled the modest lady to accede to my demands.

My memory reenacted the incident as if it was a matter of yesterday…..

Over the phone, in a stern voice, I had asked her, “Where are you now?” Then in a demanding tone, I had further added, “I need an instant photograph of yours right now. Whatsapp me a photo in 5 minutes. And do not send selfie because I hate selfie. Ok.”

The lady was undone because she was moving alone on a busy street and she was about to attend an interview. However, that day she had requested a passerby shamelessly to click a few photographs of her so that she could send them to me.

In numberless similar occasions, she had proved her statement, “When a woman loves someone with all her heart she can do everything for him.”

Today I hold the photo in my hand but I miss the lady in it because I am an egoistic monster and I am not worthy of her. 

While I walk…

-From the pen-APN-

Everybody listens but nobody understands. Everybody smiles but no one feels. Everybody is a companion but no one is a friend…

I think and walk. And the wind, the sky and the earth all walk with me. I listen to their songs. In the nothingness of human relation, they bring forth something subtle and something convincing of the continuum of life, something esoteric and something of the uncaged freedom.      

I stand with the meditative trees and feel some sunshine. Vision expands and the kernel of ego dies out. A silent and feeble sigh goes out and I feel light as the feather…

I walk and walk. I generate some heat and some sweat and the heart pumps more blood. The boots click. And birds fly over my head. And I woke to the world again…

The sun will set in the west and the lady in the house will light a lamp and will say her evening prayers. And I have to return again collecting my fragmented individuality…my broken pieces. 

    

Happy Marriage Anniversary

-From the pen APN-

        

“While walking on life’s journey, someone meets and coyly holds your hand and begins to walk with you. Often she longingly looks to your face and gradually finds her faith in you and then slowly lowers her glance in a blushing smile and then looks in the direction you have been looking. Your world and her world mingle and you both walk together. On your way sometimes you both realise that the journey had begun a few years ago and today it has been 8 years and 10 days to that sweet start.”

Effort by effort a winner is moulded

From the pen APN

 

Brick by brick a mansion is made and effort by effort a winner is moulded. Stay motivated and sing the song of life. Be convinced of the divine origin that you carry in the form of a human being. Stay assured that the sun will shine and the darkness will subside; the warmth will reawaken new glory and another puff of fresh air will blow your hair. With closed eyes, realise you are infinite possibilities. You are a human, the best creation of the whole universe.

Smile and appreciate that you can dream. Start walking towards your dreams and touch your dreams. Feel the sparkle of your fulfilled dreams. And then shine brightly like a sun and fill warmth and light in someone else’s life. And be a sun in someone’s sky and show the seeker light, truth and an awakened life.

An Advance Rose Day

From the pen APN

When I opened a new chapter of my life’s book, I saw a different world with a stiff cliff which I had to climb. My old world was no more as before. My old world had dropped off somewhere. My old friends who were once my fellow-travelers had to bid farewell and they all remained behind and I could only carry them in my memory and heart. No one among them dared follow me because my journey was beyond the comfort zone into an unknown future. But……But…you followed me.A whole world was left behind but you carried another tiny but happy world around me and whispered in a mellifluous tone into my ears, “ I still follow you because you mean a world to me.” Life started shining with new hopes and I smiled thankfully, held your hands in mine and could not but say, “ Happy Rose Day one day before.”  

Triranga Palau…..

From the pen APN

When the flag was unfurled and the flower petals fluttered down and the tricolour billowed in a gust of lively wind, my head was held high in a reawakened sense of freedom, national pride and the rich history that my country has.  

My national day celebrations began saluting the tricolour flying in the campus of a rural college. I embraced my colleagues and shared the joy of being an Indian.

I returned home. My beautiful wife was at the door with her best smiles. We sat together to dine as a way of celebrating the national day. The dishes were brought in covered pots. When I uncovered one of the bigger pots I saw the three great colours of Indian flag garnished the item. I was pushed into a trance of patriotism and thanked those millions of farmers of India who have kept me alive. It is needless to say that I thanked my wife also for making my day so warm by her fine sentiments. I asked my wife, “Dear, what is this?” She smiled and uttered, “Triranga Palau.”