Because I am an Egoistic Monster

From the pen APN

She was a paragon of beauty. And I was an admirer of her sweet fragrance and unmistakable beauty. I used to watch her and admire her beauty with all my heart and soul. One day the lady also noticed my intensity of appreciation and smiled at me. Her smile ignited something so strong in my heart that my mind stopped working and my heart beats paced up. And I held her hands tightly in mine…

Then one day I discovered myself dangerously close to her. I held her in my arms and she closed her eyes…

When she opened her eyes and I released her from my arms, she told, “When a woman loves someone with her heart she can do everything for him.”

But I was a rascal lover. I demanded more and more of her time, attention and physical nearness. And any deviation from my demands was meted with harsh scolding and bitter words. However, every time she proved herself true to her words. She adjusted herself a lot to my sudden whims and outbursts. And at last one day with tearful eyes she spoke, “Dear I fail in my love and I am perhaps too weak and I can no longer bear your love.” Then she walked away from my life because I had already become an egoistic monster and I was no more a lover of beauty. Her absence was like hell to me and I knew I have to bear the hellish pain because monsters live in hell only. 

I was traumatised when the staunch lady-love left me. I searched all her reminiscences in my room and cried out my heart, clasping her each memory.

I looked at a photograph of her that I found on my table. And I remembered how on a fine morning I had compelled the modest lady to accede to my demands.

My memory reenacted the incident as if it was a matter of yesterday…..

Over the phone, in a stern voice, I had asked her, “Where are you now?” Then in a demanding tone, I had further added, “I need an instant photograph of yours right now. Whatsapp me a photo in 5 minutes. And do not send selfie because I hate selfie. Ok.”

The lady was undone because she was moving alone on a busy street and she was about to attend an interview. However, that day she had requested a passerby shamelessly to click a few photographs of her so that she could send them to me.

In numberless similar occasions, she had proved her statement, “When a woman loves someone with all her heart she can do everything for him.”

Today I hold the photo in my hand but I miss the lady in it because I am an egoistic monster and I am not worthy of her. 

While I walk…

-From the pen-APN-

Everybody listens but nobody understands. Everybody smiles but no one feels. Everybody is a companion but no one is a friend…

I think and walk. And the wind, the sky and the earth all walk with me. I listen to their songs. In the nothingness of human relation, they bring forth something subtle and something convincing of the continuum of life, something esoteric and something of the uncaged freedom.      

I stand with the meditative trees and feel some sunshine. Vision expands and the kernel of ego dies out. A silent and feeble sigh goes out and I feel light as the feather…

I walk and walk. I generate some heat and some sweat and the heart pumps more blood. The boots click. And birds fly over my head. And I woke to the world again…

The sun will set in the west and the lady in the house will light a lamp and will say her evening prayers. And I have to return again collecting my fragmented individuality…my broken pieces. 

    

Happy Marriage Anniversary

-From the pen APN-

        

“While walking on life’s journey, someone meets and coyly holds your hand and begins to walk with you. Often she longingly looks to your face and gradually finds her faith in you and then slowly lowers her glance in a blushing smile and then looks in the direction you have been looking. Your world and her world mingle and you both walk together. On your way sometimes you both realise that the journey had begun a few years ago and today it has been 8 years and 10 days to that sweet start.”