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Monday, November 20, 2017

I am not dead in spite of my beloved’s deadly blows

From the pen-APN

You hammered my heart with a blunt useless lie and then you laughed at me. You cruelly laughed at my excruciating pains with your enormous ego of being physically beautiful. But you failed to realize that you could bring pain to me only because my heart was made wonderfully soft for you in deep feelings of love. As a result, I did not have plan ‘B’ to safeguard myself from your venomous attacks. I remained unarmed in your love. So I was easily devastated and I was made to lose my mental balance by your cruel jokes. I soaked my cheeks in my own tears and stepped out of my closet, embracing the cold winter night with lonely footsteps. In my lonesome marching on the pavements of the city’s wide street, as a forlorn man, I realized what I am.
Yes, I am a heart-broken man but I am still alive. Although I am immersed in the saddest songs of a painfully palpitating heart, I dream of a life of Enlightenment and of Lord Buddha’s serenity. Although my heart is stabbed by my dearest person, I do not submit myself to death. The wound given by her is deep and fatal but I do not die. Just my inside gets cleansed by the flow of the spurting blood from the wound. And I find that I am not dead and I am still capable of dreaming of a new morning with grasshoppers jumping merrily in the sunshine of a golden sun in the cloudless sky. My joy knows no bound when some butterflies are hovering around me and at the same time, I am meditating on the shortness of this human life and the littleness of my passing sufferings…The movements of coloured wings of those hovering butterflies hint at something sacred and in the fluttering-music of their wings I listen to an eternal voice which speaks assuringly, “I am not dead in spite of my beloved’s deadly blows.” 

Embrace life with a sunny smile!

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Tearing Apart the Blue Whale



“Tearing Apart the Blue Whale”
From the pen-APN
(Every relationship has a rise and then some period of continuity, may be short or long, and then an inevitable fall. Here, I sketch the thought of a mature man/woman who suffers the end of a lasting and deeply emotional relationship and is trapped by the BLUE WHALE GAME. And then fights back to regain his/her senses. Reader’s feedback is solicited)
Now when my relationship sinks like the setting sun of a wintry afternoon, I look at the endless sky that is splattered with crimson red and see the home-coming of a flock of birds in the fainter rays of the dying sun…
‘HOME-COMING’ is a better word to say when your life’s directions change dramatically and drastically. Putting my two hands on the waist and eyes fixed at the sinking sun, I have nothing but to draw a long breath to make the dying heart alive again. I feel myself and assure that I am still alive and I am no dead.
Yes, the blissful day merges in the darkness of night. And I feel suffocated like a suicidal maniac in the half-hanging state. My heart palpitates with heart-wrenching long and deep beats. And I deliberate if I am dead I am gone forever but if I survive then surely the moon will come with its silver beams, and the stars will sprinkle their sparkling blues. So I must survive the dark night till I see the moonlit starry night…After all, I am a hopeful heart, and I still have the light of hope in me, and my undying hopes make me a star by my own right….
THE BLUE WHALE CAN NOT DEFEAT ME.

Love your world!

Sunday, July 2, 2017

A Life-long Commitment

From the pen-APN

In spite of all odds, she had loved me with all her heart. And every day, those feelings of love became stronger and deeper. 
One day, when I had drawn her close to me by her hand, she had hugged me deeply. And the fresh waters of her genuine love had cleansed all my impurities. I had never known before that someone on earth could love me so passionately. 
In her soulful embrace, that day, I had uttered in a half hypnotic voice, “Hey lady! You have become my life and my top priority. And my quest ends here for true love.”
That day on my own handwriting I had written to her, “Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget.”
She had opened the letter and had smiled like the most beautiful angel of heaven and then slowly she had leaned towards me with deep breaths and her trembling lips. And her soft and juicy lips had touched mine. She had closed her eyes and our lips had mingled deeply…And then taking a pause she had revealed from the core of her heart that she would remain faithful to me till her last breath.
This was an auspicious moment of life-long commitment which had made two warm hearts one. And which continues till date.
Later on, through her numerous sacrifices, every day she had etched on my heart her indelible impressions. And she had made herself simply unforgettable and inseparable by her true, deep and unconditionally mad love for me.
Many days have gone past meanwhile; many weeks, months and years have rolled on. And I have reached the fag end of my life. My hair has turned grey in these years. Still, I love her again and again because she has always proved herself worthy of those magic lines, 
“TRULY GREAT FRIENDS ARE HARD TO FIND, DIFFICULT TO LEAVE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO FORGET.”
Now I daily see her wrinkled face and toothless grin. But she walks with me and I walk with her clasping her shaky and parched hands. 
Where the road ends or where the road takes a steep turn I know not but I enjoy that she always stays with me like the blessings of God. And I still feel her as my most beautiful angel of heaven who unreservedly gives her nectarine smiles and enriches my soul with the highest form of human love….and thankfully I say, “TATHASTU!”

Thursday, June 22, 2017

The Inner Vacuum

From the pen APN


Uncontrolled tears like summer rains
Deadliest mental and emotional pains  
A deserted heart with blood stains
All in a cauldron of hellish fire
Bubbled and bubbled with steaming ire
To cleanse the soul and deeply admire
The prevailing calmness of lonely heart
That replaces all restlessness and dirt
Making desires gradually fade away
Through suffering and dismay 



Deep and long sighs of inner vacuum
Played the music and the sonorous drum
And the essential inner vacuum haunted
Till the haunt broadened the mind
And till the feelings softened
And till the stubborn egos diluted
And mind got thoroughly cleansed
And the heart was well rinsed
Relations were reexamined
And long-gone past was buried
For a new life and a new beginning

Of hope, joy and mutual understanding

Friday, June 16, 2017

Still Grateful for that Hurtful Love (A mini story)

From the pen-APN                     
As one of the loveliest human being, you came into my life and gave me invaluable experiences to understand myself and the world around me. In your hugs I have seen the friendliness of a beautiful soul; in your intimacy, I have learned the language with which hearts speak…
Today you will go away from me and I will withhold myself from you not to disturb your life anymore. It is painful and hurts like hell but you have your life and I have mine.
You carried your bag to the bus stop on your shoulders. You signaled a bus. The bus slowly stopped and you got into it. I also turned my back and looked at the asphalt road that shone with the blazing sun. You carried your bag and I was carrying mine. My bag was like yours but I carried something more valuable in the bag and that was the sweet memories of the days we had spent together… 
Politics goes on… and people quarrel over power. Money matters and truthfulness loses its luster but life still struggles... Infidelity is there; break ups are there; misunderstandings are there. But it comes with a realization that the feelings of the heart are above everything else and the signature of love is indelible in the soul for all times to come. And it is a different thing that we may not meet again and we may not hug again and we may not cross each other’s roads.
I open a new chapter of my life this morning. I know the dark hours of the cloud will subside and the morning sun will herald a fresh beginning to me. This hope motivates me now to go forward. Life is giving tests after tests and I thank my Lord who has arranged so beautiful experiences for me and has helped me gain the most from my life.
Love you God…love you world…I am still alive and I have decided to live awesomely the rest of my life.



Thursday, June 1, 2017

Because I am an Egoistic Monster

From the pen APN

She was a paragon of beauty. And I was an admirer of her sweet fragrance and unmistakable beauty. I used to watch her and admire her beauty with all my heart and soul. One day the lady also noticed my intensity of appreciation and smiled at me. Her smile ignited something so strong in my heart that my mind stopped working and my heart beats paced up. And I held her hands tightly in mine…
Then one day I discovered myself dangerously close to her. I held her in my arms and she closed her eyes…
When she opened her eyes and I released her from my arms, she told, “When a woman loves someone with her heart she can do everything for him.”
But I was a rascal lover. I demanded more and more of her time, attention and physical nearness. And any deviation from my demands was meted with harsh scolding and bitter words. However, every time she proved herself true to her words. She adjusted herself a lot to my sudden whims and outbursts. And at last one day with tearful eyes she spoke, “Dear I fail in my love and I am perhaps too weak and I can no longer bear your love.” Then she walked away from my life because I had already become an egoistic monster and I was no more a lover of beauty. Her absence was like hell to me and I knew I have to bear the hellish pain because monsters live in hell only. 
I was traumatised when the staunch lady-love left me. I searched all her reminiscences in my room and cried out my heart, clasping her each memory.
I looked at a photograph of her that I found on my table. And I remembered how on a fine morning I had compelled the modest lady to accede to my demands.
My memory reenacted the incident as if it was a matter of yesterday…..
Over the phone, in a stern voice, I had asked her, “Where are you now?” Then in a demanding tone, I had further added, “I need an instant photograph of yours right now. Whatsapp me a photo in 5 minutes. And do not send selfie because I hate selfie. Ok.”
The lady was undone because she was moving alone on a busy street and she was about to attend an interview. However, that day she had requested a passerby shamelessly to click a few photographs of her so that she could send them to me.
In numberless similar occasions, she had proved her statement, “When a woman loves someone with all her heart she can do everything for him.”
Today I hold the photo in my hand but I miss the lady in it because I am an egoistic monster and I am not worthy of her. 

Monday, March 27, 2017

While I walk…

-From the pen-APN-

Everybody listens but nobody understands. Everybody smiles but no one feels. Everybody is a companion but no one is a friend…
I think and walk. And the wind, the sky and the earth all walk with me. I listen to their songs. In the nothingness of human relation, they bring forth something subtle and something convincing of the continuum of life, something esoteric and something of the uncaged freedom.      
I stand with the meditative trees and feel some sunshine. Vision expands and the kernel of ego dies out. A silent and feeble sigh goes out and I feel light as the feather…
I walk and walk. I generate some heat and some sweat and the heart pumps more blood. The boots click. And birds fly over my head. And I woke to the world again…
The sun will set in the west and the lady in the house will light a lamp and will say her evening prayers. And I have to return again collecting my fragmented individuality…my broken pieces. 
    

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Happy Marriage Anniversary

-From the pen APN-
        

“While walking on life’s journey, someone meets and coyly holds your hand and begins to walk with you. Often she longingly looks to your face and gradually finds her faith in you and then slowly lowers her glance in a blushing smile and then looks in the direction you have been looking. Your world and her world mingle and you both walk together. On your way sometimes you both realise that the journey had begun a few years ago and today it has been 8 years and 10 days to that sweet start.”

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Effort by effort a winner is moulded



From the pen APN
 
Brick by brick a mansion is made and effort by effort a winner is moulded. Stay motivated and sing the song of life. Be convinced of the divine origin that you carry in the form of a human being. Stay assured that the sun will shine and the darkness will subside; the warmth will reawaken new glory and another puff of fresh air will blow your hair. With closed eyes, realise you are infinite possibilities. You are a human, the best creation of the whole universe.

Smile and appreciate that you can dream. Start walking towards your dreams and touch your dreams. Feel the sparkle of your fulfilled dreams. And then shine brightly like a sun and fill warmth and light in someone else’s life. And be a sun in someone’s sky and show the seeker light, truth and an awakened life.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

An Advance Rose Day



From the pen APN

When I opened a new chapter of my life’s book, I saw a different world with a stiff cliff which I had to climb. My old world was no more as before. My old world had dropped off somewhere. My old friends who were once my fellow-travelers had to bid farewell and they all remained behind and I could only carry them in my memory and heart. No one among them dared follow me because my journey was beyond the comfort zone into an unknown future. But……But…you followed me.A whole world was left behind but you carried another tiny but happy world around me and whispered in a mellifluous tone into my ears, “ I still follow you because you mean a world to me.” Life started shining with new hopes and I smiled thankfully, held your hands in mine and could not but say, “ Happy Rose Day one day before.”  

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Triranga Palau…..

From the pen APN
When the flag was unfurled and the flower petals fluttered down and the tricolour billowed in a gust of lively wind, my head was held high in a reawakened sense of freedom, national pride and the rich history that my country has.  
My national day celebrations began saluting the tricolour flying in the campus of a rural college. I embraced my colleagues and shared the joy of being an Indian.

I returned home. My beautiful wife was at the door with her best smiles. We sat together to dine as a way of celebrating the national day. The dishes were brought in covered pots. When I uncovered one of the bigger pots I saw the three great colours of Indian flag garnished the item. I was pushed into a trance of patriotism and thanked those millions of farmers of India who have kept me alive. It is needless to say that I thanked my wife also for making my day so warm by her fine sentiments. I asked my wife, “Dear, what is this?” She smiled and uttered, “Triranga Palau.”     

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Yesterday I saw a speaker speaking …….


From the pen APN
 

Yesterday I saw a speaker speaking in the auditorium of my college. He ruthlessly drew my attention to the abject poverty and continuing inactivity and lethargy of Odisha people. The people of Odisha enjoy 1 rupee rice; engage themselves in cheap entertainment and conduct no productive activity. Once a valiant race is now sinking deeper and deeper into sheer effeminacy. And the situation is gloomily spiralling into the abysmal degeneration of a hitherto self-sufficient, self-reliant race. 


I was stunned and deeply felt the gravity of his point. But I was somewhat relieved when he painted a hopeful picture that exclusively centred around the generation Y. 


"Strong actions, bold steps and determined attitude of the Odisha Youth are the only hope which may ameliorate such despicable situations of our race.  

 

Writing romantic poetry, watching teleserials, staging record dance, boozing by the roadside cannot help anymore. Work…..Work….Work….Work……Work with all dedication; take all responsibilities on your shoulders. Exert yourselves to the fullest limit, ye the youths of Odisha, and redesign the fate of this lovely wonderful state.  


We are the change makers and we shall wake up from the torpor because Odisha shall rise again."



Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Govindapally in the last 10 years

From the pen APN

I have been staying in a tiny village named Govindapally for the last 10 years. It is at the entrance of Malkangiri district, which is not only one of the most backward districts of Odisha but also of India. I must mention that Malkangiri, Koraput, Nabarangpur, Kalahandi and Rayagada districts of Odisha hold the dubious distinction of having a negative association with poverty, starvation and deprivation. 

However, in the last 10 years, many things have gradually changed here. Progress has come slowly and stealthily to the village and has changed the inhabitants’ lives silently. The gradual transformation stretched over a decade, has taken place so sluggishly that the resulting changes do not call your attention immediately. Although some progress has been made, the rate of change is invariably at a snail’s pace. 

Today many residents of the village cannot accept the fact that the fruits of social progress which are so easily available to them now were beyond their reach a few years ago. For example, the buses, which used to halt at the roadside earlier, now have a spacious well-planned bus-stand. Now more and more buses ply through the village. And with the increase of traffic, the single roads are now being converted into double roads. The bulldozers have cleaned illegal roadside encroachments to pave the way for widening the road. (After few days you may see a good number of toll-gates on the same highway to suck money from you). Now the local residents do not have to cover a distance of 15 kilometres for bank transactions. Their village is on the road to progress. As a sign of progress, a nationalised bank with ATM facility has come up. The bank’s ATM smiles round the clock with its glow signboards. Now, the villagers do not have to ride 50 kilometres to Balimela (an NAC) to refill their cooking gas cylinders. The Gas Agencies take pleasure in ensuring home delivery of gas cylinders to every consumer. Similarly, a couple of bike showrooms with glass rooms and well to do receptionists have recently come up displaying the latest trendy bikes of their respective brands for sale. Extending railway connectivity to the district is also in the pipeline. 

New mobile service providers are erecting their signal towers and promising better coverage, better quality at lesser tariff. New dhabas (hotels) decorated with fairy lights dazzle at night with sweet-smelling delicious dishes. Today you have a restaurant and you see a number of vehicles parked in front of the restaurant. The number of shops has been doubled in the recent years. The market has grown and the value of land in the village has soared up. The inhabitants who own business stalls or houses and give them on rent basis are greatly happy at the growth of the village. Such house owners unconsciously wear a broad lasting smile in public places. They smile at the prospect of the new found pleasing worth of their property. The other day, a grocery shopkeeper and another owner of a ready-made dress material shop, who were renovating their shops, claimed before me that their initiations are nothing but the pioneering steps to import a mall-culture into the village. 

In these years many schools are rampantly upgraded and new hostels with colossal height, width and breadth are constructed. However, teachers are engaged on a contract basis to educate the students on a temporary basis in those permanent structures. The Government lays stress on creating proper infrastructure but forgets about appointing quality teachers with proper salary structure. Education and health care are the two non-profitable sectors which are severely hit in our state in the last two decades. No Government sincerely gives due care to these two sectors. The community health centre of the village used to have a qualified doctor but later on the post of doctor remained regularly vacant. Now the community health centre is run at the mercy of other paramedical staff. The pharmacist has replaced the service of the doctor and the people of the locality including myself are well-adapted to it. One month back I discovered that a young doctor wearing a stethoscope around his neck was sitting in the doctor’s chamber. My joy knew no bounds. I wished the doctor a happy stay in the village. As the rain comes rarely to deserts, so a doctor is rarely found in the Health Center of Govindapally. 


In the year 2006 when I had come to this place to join as a lecturer, I was home-sick. At that time the mobile service of BSNL had provided enough consolation and mental support to me. The physical distance between me and my parents had been greatly bridged up by the mobile phone. But today I see the local BSNL office is unkempt, dilapidated and largely hidden behind an unwanted bushy growth of grass and other useless plants. The only operator who works there and shoulders all responsibility for the last 12 years has lost all his sincerity. It is because he is made to work contractually for a paltry sum Rs 6000/- for the last 12 years, without any career growth.
Now many private mobile network companies are vying to grab the business opportunity in this area. Last week, I saw many excavators digging trenches by the roadside to lay the network for Reliance Jio in Govindapally. I hope the internet connectivity issues will soon be resolved by the advent of this network in this locality.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

A precious pair of muddy shoes…..

From the pen-APN

Every Sunday I travel a distance of 50 kilometres to a private institution where I teach a few students. Those students prepare themselves for various competitive exams. On the weekends, I go and say a few inspiring words to them. I love their company because I treat them as my friends and I never wear the mask of ego before them. So I feel very unassuming and free there.
Very often, my wife expresses her dissent as I leave my family on Sundays and go to that institution. However, I love to go to that institution because it gives me an opportunity to take a long bike ride on the roads of Malkangiri to Jeypore. And while riding my bike I think like a poet and enjoy nature’s beauty to my heart’s content.
Life is very free in Malkangiri. You get the refreshing air everywhere. Tall and big trees stand by the side of the road. And moving through them connects you with Mother Nature deeply. The lush green landscape recharges your heart with purity of life. The innocent smiles of the tribal people and their unconditional joys are worth experiencing. They bring closer to your real self.
That day it was raining sporadically and the road was too muddy. Moreover, the road work was going on. So at many places, the road was dug and the thick mud was making the road very slippery. That day I missed my nature-journey as I had to grip the bike’s handle tightly lest I skidded off the road. After I passed the bad part of the road I discovered that my favourite and expensive pair of shoes had been thickly painted in mud. My black coloured trousers were also badly sprinkled with mud and looked weird.
I did not pay any attention to the stains or to my muddy shoes. I managed my work as usual and returned home after the class. At home, I removed my shoes and found that the mud had completely dried up and looked like a thick paste of sandal.    
At this time my wife came smiling and hugged me. I could not apprehend the reason. I was surprised because she had not cared my muddy attire. With a mystery-laden smile, she drew an envelope and handed it to me. I found a Government order in it which told that I had been transferred to a new coastal district and I had to leave my present station in 10 days. My wife was happy but I was most unhappy. I wanted to sit silently for a while. My wife left the place and went to do her household work. But I was crestfallen.

I looked at my muddy shoes. Now the mud that had covered my shoes appeared very precious. In a moment I could realise the worth of the soil. For a moment I felt to hold those muddy shoes close to my breast and cry for a while. Tears rolled from my eyes because for ten years I had established a strong bond with this district. And now I will miss every dust particle of this land…………..