I was numb. I had become insensitive to life. Each of my cells was empty. I sat with my eyes closed. I groped my heart to catch some feelings but I was empty. I had completely become a hollowed man- an exhausted utter emptiness. My heart was anaesthetic. It only beat mechanically. I desperately needed to feel life. I needed to feel feelings but I failed. I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes. Nevertheless, my own emptiness overpowered me and my heart went on beating mechanically.
The wall clock ticked... tick...tick...tick...tick...minutes passed by but I remained the same. An unfeeling stony heart. I forcefully tried to remember the Valentine’s Day, the beautiful faces, lovely roses, my college life, the poorest of the poor, the hungry crying children but nothing worked. It was the severest of heart-attack-not physical but emotional- that arrested all of my human sensibilities and I became like a machine that was hard metallic & ruthless.
Like a drowning man gasping for breath, I desperately needed some human feelings in my heart but I miserably missed them. I could not determine what to do so that I could restore the suppleness of my heart.
Nothing worked.....my hopes disintegrated. All my efforts dissolved in that dead empty silence of a materialistic heart and I remained as THE MOST UNFEELING. THE MOST UNFEELING.....
The temple bells of the nearby temple tolled with a chant of morning Arati.....
I raised my heavy head and with my unfeeling heart & spoke to THE UNKNOWN,
“After a long time I need to pray you because today when I closed my eyes I discovered that I have become very empty. Everything out of me has been drained out and I urgently need the sensibilities of a human being.
I do not know whether you exist or not but you are a great solace to me now because when I tried everything and failed, your Arati and the temple bells reminded me of you. In short, when I found none by my side you seemed to be very easily available. You can be easily available because if you exist than my problems and emptiness will discover you and even if you do not exist than my weaknesses will invent you. In either case, you will appear before me even if I lose everything. And I need you to solve my problem instantly.” I was interrupted for a while. My mobile started ringing but I continued my murmuring,
“ Excuse me God, my sister is calling to my mobile I have to talk to her.......
-Hello, Mama( name of my sister), Tell me...
She told nervously from the other side -After few hours my exam results will be declared. I am very nervous.
With strange confidence, I told her-Do not worry I will tell God. You are getting a first-class. Call me after 2 hours now I am busy with God”
My confident voice made her unimaginably elated. She replied happily with a burst of laughter,
“After the result declaration we will plan for a holiday-trip”
I very confidently told her,” Sure. Today evening we will plan for the trip. ”
She disconnected the phone from her side happily and I told to God, “You are realy very useful. Therefore I must believe in your existence.”
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