Inflated Condoms

For two months I have not seen my baby. He is happily growing under the care of my wife at his grandfather’s. I am missing his soft touches and the peculiar milky smell that all babies have. I am informed that the baby has attained requisite strength to play with toys and other objects.

I groped my memory and my past experience with the view-point of a kid to choose a good set of toys for the little one. My imaginative retreat into the past when I was very small revealed me that I was most joyous when I inflated condoms and played with them as balloons. I used to demand before my father everyday to bring a lot of NIRODH (a brand of condom but for me it was balloon) by the evenings when he returned from office. I remember that my mother used to warn me not to go outside with those condom-balloons. She used to frighten me that if police would see this type of balloons in my hands they would carry me to the lock up. So my home used to turn into a play ground and I would kick or box those condom-balloons and would see how they rose up and touched the roof. 

I clearly remember that those balloons were far better than other types of balloons available in the market in those days. Today time has changed. In the hi-tech age the children play video-games and there is a variety of electronic gizmos and other entertainments. So who would now pine for condoms as balloons? But till today I certify that the response of inflated condoms to the playful touches of a child will be sheer joy. Try it once if you have a kid. If my words do not hold good, there is nothing to be worried because your condoms can be used otherwise. Of course not with the kid but with ………..

A father in utter frustration

Yesterday I was watching a movie named ‘C COMPANY’. A scene touched my heart where a father entertains the customers of a big shopping mall by playing the part of a cartoon-cock. Poverty makes him jump like a hen. His son is unaware of his identity and when he confronts his father’s status he hates and leaves that place in disgust along with his mother. The father, who has just taken off the mask of the cartoon- cock and stands in utter despair and agony, is all in tears.  The mother and child left him alone in a deep sea of frustration and heartache. He is agonized because he could not prove himself to be a good father-he is a miserable weakling, completely defeated by the ruthlessness of society.

Tears sparkled in my eyes. My heart was purified in such an impeccable presentation of human FAILINGS. I saluted the actor RAMPAL YADAV for his powerful acting skills. He is a dwarfish actor but his size proved to be a strong point in driving the act straight into heart……. SIZE DOES NOT MATTER, WHAT LIES INSIDE DETERMINES THE RESULT.

I would like to spill some of my feelings that have a parallelism with the trampled father. ……………. No I won’t but I must say that I love my wife a lot because with me she has lots of insecurities and no guarantee. Still she is struggling to welcome a fine morning when the sky will glitter with a radiant sun and the birds will be happily flying.

After a three-day-break from updating my blog, all of a sudden a variety of feelings popped up in me taking a definite shape. And the nucleus of those emotions was our newly declared examination centre for conducting the AHS Examination. After a 5 years’ wait our college was accorded the exam centre. The students of our college appeared the exam under our invigilation.

Today is the first day of examination and the exam was conducted very smoothly and strictly. After the examination duty when I was returning from the college I was really proud because we had given due respect to our profession and the examination code of conduct in both letter and spirit.

International women's day

It is 1 pm in the night on 8th March, the international women’s day and I am still awake.
I spent the day as usual but when I was about to switch off my mind and go asleep, I was suddenly prompted to open my laptop to pen down few of my feelings about the women folk.
I thought in all possible directions for some minutes, felt a volume but failed to express. However, few words danced in my mind during the process of my thinking and some of them are LOVE, SOFTNESS OF HEART, PATIENCE, BEST FRIEND, etc. The more I thought, the more grateful I became towards all those women who had influenced me in some way or the other.
In the stillness of night I saluted those numerous human forms, who move embodying all these noble attributes of humanity, and we call them WOMEN.

A big snake crossed my road......

A big snake (cobra) crossed my road in the afternoon. As a result, in the evening I lit the bulb, which was fixed outside of my quarter, and kept it burning till midnight. I plugged the hole in the bathroom that drained the water because that hole seemed to me a welcome passage to the split-tongued-reptile. I looked for the torch and replaced the cells. And now…..I thought philosophically, LIFE IS UNCERTAIN AND SHORT. A small bite, and the next moment I might be a cause of a condolence meet in the educational institution where I teach. Still I live with my inflated egos. I do not live naturally. Always there is pretending of something else other than me. So for a moment I thought with a deep breath that I will live a life in its natural flavor. I shall connect myself with my true feelings that are noble on the human scale and I shall never manure the ill-feelings that always subsist on the thick substratum of my ego.

A lot of philosophizing………

I went to bed and saw a dream where I was fondling a baby child of Drasthi Dhami. I also saw that the snake had taken a human form and was travelling with me on my bike. But I could sense that the snake was full of respect and fear for me. Everything was weird but I enjoyed.

In the morning I found that I had slept longer than the time table. And the moment I got up I straight went into the bathroom. Firstly, I unplugged the hole that I had choked yesterday out of fear of the snake. I took a deep breath and told myself, “Let me live my life naturally. Dar ke age jeet hota hey”

Vaccination that pricked into heart

Yesterday my cute one-month-old son was taken to the paediatrician for vaccination. He was happy and warm in his mother’s hand. He looked like an angel free from all worries and troubles. He was sleeping tranquilly. Both the mother and the child looked so calm. He believed his mother’s lap as the safest place on earth and his mother felt good because she was like an ocean of love for the little creature. The mother-child relationship was an exchange of many silent, yet powerful human sentiments.

But these calmness soon vanished. When the turn of my baby for vaccination came, my wife started to shudder in fear at the sight of the needles and the injection syringe. The paediatrician took the baby from the hands of my wife and pricked the needles into the veins of my son. The innocent silence and complacent looks of the baby suddenly turned into a heart-rending cry. I could feel that in that cry there was a deep pain of a shattered faith. The baby’s cry bore the hidden meaning, “Mother, whom can I believe now? I am not safe even in your lap. In your presence how somebody could put me in pain!” 

The baby’s cry brought tears in the eyes of my wife. Both the mother and the child cried together and I stood silent like a stupefied spectator.   

be sensible while riding/driving.

Two days back I had a bitter argument with one of my colleagues. There accrued a lot of negativity. The first immediate consequence of the argument was a ‘No further talk with you state of mind’. He went away from the office in high temperature. I smiled and cared a fig about him. And now, by chance, when he crosses my way or I happen to share some space around him he suddenly accelerates the bike to the maximum and speeds up unnecessarily releasing a good deal of dust mixed smoke. How easily in a human tussle, his two-wheeler that is a machine is involved to express his rancour.

Few years back, when I was a student of Post-Graduate, once I got terribly angry at the-then girl friend of mine and in a mood of extreme anger, I rushed my 250cc Yezdi motorbike on the road. My girl friend turned her face in dejection and went away from me walking on the road. In a state of fury, I sped up my bike. I went like a bullet on the road and suddenly I jumped over a colossal hump. I lost the balance & control of my bike and suddenly faced death wing by my side. It was God’s grace that a truck heading from the other side evaluated my recklessness and applied a sudden brake and I narrowly saved.

The moral of the story is three-fold.

First: Man should not show off their anger by rash handling of machines. (Here bikes)

Second: Women should not leave their husbands/boyfriends go ditched when they are in the possession or in the close proximity of a machine.

Third: ‘ANGER’ is one word short of ‘DANGER’. If bike is lost, a new bike can be procured; If a girlfriend/boyfriend is lost, a new friend can be arranged in a short while but if LIFE is lost, the game is over. So be sensible while riding/driving.

Follow the Conscience.

A hope winks in the heart but soon disappears and hides from view. Like a flash of lightening, it comes into sight for a moment and then vanishes in the thickness of dark. The hopefulness appears as a colourful bright rainbow but a moment later, it dissolves in the unknown. The mind often soars to commanding heights with the wings of positive imagination but soon descends to the ground level and feels deadly inert. ...... .......... This happens to most men in most of the time. In the spur of a moment, we think the grandest things but after a short while, all the high-end expectations and resolutions dash to the ground.


A bud turns into a flower. A caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

All these beautiful changes around me make me yearn enthusiastically to fly high with the wings of a developed personality. However, I always have found myself cocooned in my shell like the caterpillar for long. Why? Why do I stay so limited? My youthfulness is everyday threatened by an approaching old age but I am not conscious to be active to break my little shell and come out with winged-metamorphosis. Life has become sluggish and monotonous. There is no flip.

In such dark moments, life inevitably needs a spiritual touch to realize the highest meaning of itself. But whom to follow? How to realize the meaning of life? The answer is very simple.

The seeds of spiritual flower will start manifesting when every moment of life is lived on the guidelines of conscience. The present world full of religious differences confuses the mind. But conscience never confuses rather it diffuses all the impurities and makes the human spirit glow in full bloom.

So.......... FOLLOW THE CONSCIENCE. It is because Even When There Is No Law There is CONSCIENCE.

Career Vs Affluence & distraction

Those lower middle-classed bright students who go to the metros in want of quality education face various types of emotional and financial challenges. Yesterday a brief chitchat with one of my old girl-students brought to my notice that studying away from family and parents afflicts the students with an utter loneliness. As a result, they fall on their peers for emotional support or needs- mostly on the friends of opposite sex and obviously end up in a messy love entangle.

In addition, the stylish and expensive restaurants, massive malls, specialized shops, glittering multiplexes, amusement parks easily divert the minds of the youngsters from their sole aim of study and career. All these things also build up undue pressure on their purses and young minds as well.

That student informed me that there are many students, whose both the parents are salaried and normally the ATM of a salary account of either of the parents remains with such students. Consequently, those students flaunt their money and cause inferiority to meritorious but poor students studying with them.

Last night I was viewing a tele-serial named PYAR KI YE EK KAHANI on StarOne channel. I am not a regular viewer of any television series but in that episode, I came across a witty remark that I would like to share with by readers.

- The scene opens with an apprehension whether Piya, a poor and orphaned but extremely meritorious student, will get the yearly scholarship or not. The scholarship is the only hope for the continuation of her studies. As a result, Piya is desperately anxious and keeping her fingers crossed. At this time an affluent girl student rudely comments, “Who cares for this worthless scholarship! My father can afford my studies.” Piya remains silent in deep mental agony but her friend wittily defends her by a sarcastic remark, “Yes, your parents can afford your studies but they can not only afford a brain transplant, which is most required in your case.”

20th Feb'11

Like the slides of a power point presentation, many happy and sad episodes of life are fast moving. The last 6 to 7 days were very eventful. A district collector has been abducted and the public shudders in fear. In sympathy all the district officials have shut down their offices till the safe release of the collector. And our college is also closed for an indefinite period. Roads are blocked and we have been remaining sealed in the district for 5 days. We witness complete lawlessness in the district.

Yesterday a group of boys came like gangster to the college campus to meet a girl. The girl crossed the hostel wall and without informing the hostel-in-charge attended to her lover.

Police is not found. They are like the commoners in civil dress. Life is so when I sat to write the post.

V-Day musings.

On the day of love i.e. valentine’s day, when the world practises love, I closed the doors and windows of my room & played some beautiful songs.


In the depths of melody, I remembered my wife who was away from me and I remembered how she is single-handedly nurturing our one-month-old baby at her paternal home. I remembered the face & the very characteristic pose of my baby ,who suckled nourishment from her mother, while putting his hands in a prayerful pose.

For the first time when I had detected that pose of my baby while suckling milk, I had commented to my wife that the baby offered Namaskar (A Hindu way of expressing respect by joining the palms of both hands) to you out of gratitude. We both had laughed looking at the half-sleepy baby who suckled milk with his hands still in Namaskar pose.

Gratitude is the little sister of love. A feeling of gratitude can tremendously herald feelings of great-love.

The most unfeeling Vs The Unknown

I was numb. I had become insensitive to life.  Each of my cells was empty. I sat with my eyes closed. I groped my heart to catch some feelings but I was empty. I had completely become a hollowed man- an exhausted utter emptiness. My heart was anaesthetic. It only beat mechanically. I desperately needed to feel life. I needed to feel feelings but I failed. I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes. Nevertheless, my own emptiness overpowered me and my heart went on beating mechanically.

The wall clock ticked... tick...tick...tick...tick...minutes passed by but I remained the same. An unfeeling stony heart. I forcefully tried to remember the Valentine’s Day, the beautiful faces, lovely roses, my college life, the poorest of the poor, the hungry crying children but nothing worked. It was the severest of heart-attack-not physical but emotional- that arrested all of my human sensibilities and I became like a machine that was hard metallic & ruthless.

Like a drowning man gasping for breath, I desperately needed some human feelings in my heart but I miserably missed them. I could not determine what to do so that I could restore the suppleness of my heart.

Nothing worked.....my hopes disintegrated. All my efforts dissolved in that dead empty silence of a materialistic heart and I remained as THE MOST UNFEELING. THE MOST UNFEELING.....

The temple bells of the nearby temple tolled with a chant of morning Arati..... 

I raised my heavy head and with my unfeeling heart & spoke to THE UNKNOWN,

“After a long time I need to pray you because today when I closed my eyes I discovered that I have become very empty. Everything out of me has been drained out and I urgently need the sensibilities of a human being.

I do not know whether you exist or not but you are a great solace to me now because when I tried everything and failed, your Arati and the temple bells reminded me of you. In short, when I found none by my side you seemed to be very easily available. You can be easily available because if you exist than my problems and emptiness will discover you and even if you do not exist than my weaknesses will invent you. In either case, you will appear before me even if I lose everything. And I need you to solve my problem instantly.” I was interrupted for a while. My mobile started ringing but I continued my murmuring,

“ Excuse me God, my sister is calling to my mobile I have to talk to her....... 

-Hello, Mama( name of my sister), Tell me...

She told nervously from the other side -After few hours my exam results will be declared. I am very nervous.

With strange confidence, I told her-Do not worry I will tell God. You are getting a first-class. Call me after 2 hours now I am busy with God”

My confident voice made her unimaginably elated. She replied happily with a burst of laughter,

“After the result declaration we will plan for a holiday-trip”

I very confidently told her,” Sure. Today evening we will plan for the trip.  ”

She disconnected the phone from her side happily and I told to God, “You are realy very useful. Therefore I must believe in your existence.”

Class 5 Girl friend &movie

I was late to my school. Carrying all the books of class V in my unusually big school bag, I hurriedly entered into the classroom.  

I heaved a sigh of relief as the class teacher had not arrived yet.

But my delayed and nervous entry into the class room made my class mates burst into a roaring laughter. A girl-student of my class that day had promptly and sarcastically commented, “Silence friends, in a hurry our class-monitor has come straight from his bed without washing his face. It is not good to laugh at somebody’s problem.” I felt a little insulted and looked at her angrily. But that day my angry looks had turned into great surprise when my eyes detected an extremely cute girl sitting beside my taunting critic.

That cute girl was obviously a new comer. Her bob-cut hair (the name of that hair style was of course unknown to me at that time), dangling ear rings, a unique t-shirt which did not match our school uniform, all sent waves of some strong hitherto unknown emotions into my whole-being. Something flashed in me. I wanted to be smarter suddenly. I wanted to show my cleverness immediately before that new girl. And I had a rejoinder to the comment, “Oh my dear Grandmother! First tell me why you came here (to the class room) without giving me water to wash my face. “

My reply caused a flicker of smile on that lovely face. Perhaps that smile had first made me understand the dictionary meaning of the word, “Beautiful”. I was invariably a good student but that day I switched to the best in me. Throughout the class I felt extremely energetic, smart and super attentive due to some strange reason. I strongly wanted to talk to that girl. It was irresistible. It became unbearable after two periods in the school. The mere sight of her quickened my heartbeat. At the end of second period when the teacher went to another class, I went near her. She was little bit unprepared for that. I was equally confused but I spoke to her in English only to impress her. Neither was that language my mother-tongue nor I had the slightest ability to speak English. But I spoke because I had to be different from others. I madly wanted to be unique in her eyes. Many things happened in me simultaneously but I was not able to understand what was happening to me.

With the last bell of the school, everyone of my class started capering happily in the joy of freedom and at the thought of home-coming. But I was the only boy who was terribly sad. I was sad because with the end of the school hours, my proximity with the girl was about to end. I felt heavy. The smartness of the class disappeared and I was on the verge of crying. With some deep pain I departed from her and consoled myself that tomorrow at the school time once again I could see her.

In home I was so different. All the time her face appeared before my eyes. I remembered her smile, her bob-cut hairstyle, dangling ear rings, her unique t-shirt, etc.  I derived an extra-ordinary elation whenever I thought about her but I failed to understand what I wanted.

In the evening my parents were watching a movie on TV. I never liked movies because most movies would cause me cry. I watched movies only when there was that characteristic Dhisoom…Dhassam (fight) between characters. But that day something different happened to me.  I saw a man holding the hand of a woman and slowly and slowly going near her. The woman closed her eyes and the man touched her lips with his lips. Suddenly something electric happened in me. I could suddenly understand the deep bond between the pair. I sat silently with my parents and started watching the movie. In the commercial breaks the name of the movie flashed and I remember the name of that movie was ‘Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak’.

In the end of the movie the woman dies and the man also dies but the deep bond in them slowly and slowly entered into my understanding. I took my meal with my father silently. I went to bed but I could not sleep. I thought about that classmate girl and I thought about the strong friendship between the man and woman. I thought and thought and thought and finally wished to have a strong friendship with that girl as I had viewed in the movie.

Next morning in school……….

Arohan- The Ascend

Dark clouds had covered the sky. The moon and the stars had hidden their faces & a dark night was ruling all over. The entire world slumbered on, unaware of what is happening.

But Raman, a school teacher, was sitting thoughtfully in the feeble light of a half-finished candle. His life was exactly like the half-burnt candle which struggled hard against the dark forces of nature.

In the dimly lit low thatched hut his one-month old son was sleeping by his mother after drawing a stomach full of milk. The sleeping mother and the sleeping child radiated an aura of trust in Raman’s fatherhood. But he was a wanderer in the labyrinth of uncertainties.

Raman looked admiringly at his wife. She was a wonderful women. Since the day she married him she had to live life in serials, installments and a meager salary of a school teacher. However, god had always been gracious enough to fetch them all the basic amenities of life. The thing that hurt Raman most was that he had neither any bank balance nor any security for a stable family life. His life was uncertain and unpredictable like weather.

He had always felt an enormous urge to emerge as a national leader who will bring revolutions and reformations in the society he lived. He had the ability to speak like a great orator but he had never found the necessary support and platform to blossom. Time elapsed year by year and like a candle he burnt and his light was limited only to a small village school.

This night when the cloud was the thickest and the night was the darkest, he came out of his little hut. He spread his hands and looked upward with a prayerful heart. He imagined himself to be a venerated leader. He could imagine a great mass following him. He forgot all his frustrations. He forgot his poverty. He forgot his littleness and imagined himself as a great authority who had shaped a new world where prevailed peace, prosperity and happiness. He resigned himself to the divine will. It was still dark. He started climbing up the nearby hill with his arms widely spread and the mind intoxicated with a divine frenzy. He got to the top of the hill. He prayed for the power and wisdom of the almighty. He felt a strange oneness with all the trees that look like shadows in the darkness. He felt the oneness with the rocks that stood unmoved. The night whispered in veneration recognizing his presence. The clouds congregated saluting his divine aspiration and a lightning flashed as a new hope in the midst of utter despair. He felt the communion of the almighty consoling his bleeding heart. His mind and body calmed. He felt an inward peace. The insecurities of life evaporated from his mind like the morning mist. His fervent prayers returned to him as the eternal goodness of love and humanity. He felt within himself the spirit of world teacher and felt to be above all mundane things.

He returned to his hut again and saw a beatific smile flickering across the face of his sleeping son lying by his wife. And the candle still burning and spreading its light and warmth with a renewed conviction.

a growth in my absence

After a tiresome journey of 30 hours I reached at Baliapal. I washed my hands to take my son into my lap. But he was busy in sucking his mother’s milk. I could not disturb him. So I waited looking at him and his mother.

After a few minutes, curling and stretching the limbs in half sleepy state my son welcomed me. He looked little matured and smelt like antibiotic tablets. When I asked my wife why the baby smells so medicated, she told that the baby is taking multivitamin drops. I felt relaxed. At least the perceived effect has a cause known to us. I say it because it is often too difficult to determine the right causes of the various types of behavior patterns of the baby.

Today he lifted and moved his hands in all possible directions but as he had little control on his body parts, the movements of his hands and legs trembled like that of a person who is too old. I intently looked at the movement of the baby and the expression on his face. It seemed as if he had to struggle hard to adjust with the hostile environment.